By the Pricking of My Thumbs. . . (something exciting this way comes!)

I have an insane life. It probably doesn't surprise you.
Bad crazy: Cancer sucks. Good crazy:
I am now a recording artist!
I am recording a single.
As in, a song that I wrote.
It will be available for download.
It has professionally done cover artwork.
I have lost the ability to write in complete paragraphs, because that is how ecstatic I am.
I have stood outside, looking up in the sky, with a silly grin on my face, and a laugh in my throat, in wonder and awe of God.
Sometimes life is crappy. Sometimes flowers grow out of it.
And sometimes, God asks for one dream, so He can give you a different one.
This new adventure started a few weeks ago, while I was sitting at a dining room table with two very dear friends. (L and S) We are planning a fundraiser, to help my family out with medical expenses.
I'm a singer songwriter, so the event is a coffee house debut of my music. Throughout the night, L kept fishing for what my favorite song is. That's a tough call, because each of my songs hold deep meaning for different reasons. I had about three in mind, when L dropped the bomb. (my mind is a bit hazy as to what she actually said, but it was along the lines of,)
"You're going to record a single."
My brain exploded. I think I screamed. I couldn't compute.
Me. My music. Professionally recorded and produced. My words and melodies, out there to be discovered!
I couldn't talk for a few minutes. My mind was spinning with the possibilities. All I could do was stammer thank yous, laugh, and try not to cry. Recording was something I saw myself doing in a few years, after I had more music experience, but God's timeline is not mine.
It took a week to decide which song to record. The groundwork has been done, the scratch track finished.
Next week I go back to do more vocals.
It's surreal. An incredible learning experience. A gift from God.
I cannot contain my excitement to share the finished product. (once it's done ;)
Here begins a journey of thanksgiving and gratitude:
L and S, for continually taking my breath away, leaving me speechless at how incredibly good God is.
Jeremy from Given Ideas Visual Productions for shooting the amazing cover art: http://www.givenideas.com/
Eles from Eles Thiessen Music Productions, for recording, mixing, and producing the track.  http://www.elesthiessenmusic.com/ (Eles is also an amazing composer, you should definitely check out his music!)
The single is not ready yet, but trust me, you will know when it comes out!

May you be blessed!

The Faults with this Star (a hopeful rant)

I have plenty of faults. I consider cancer one of the biggest ones at present.
I'm sure you've all heard of/read/seen the book-turned-movie The Fault in Our Stars. I find it morbidly hilarious that my cancer diagnosis happened the same month the movie came out.
I'm probably not going to see the movie, or read the book, so I know my opinion is incomplete, but I have done my research on the plot and content.
I'm going to step on some toes.
Here's some truth for you:
Cancer in not romantic. Cancer is not fun, cool, or conducive to finding a boyfriend.
There is nothing glamorous about being on crutches for two months and counting.
Where is the romance in being 18, and the bulk of your summer plans consisting of doctor's appointments and daily radiation treatments?
Cancer is a curtain, a thick black blanket that affects and touches every part of your life.
It enfolds your dreams, and veils your future. You go from asking "How will I pay for college?" to
 "How do I pay for treatments?"
Sometimes, cancer is a sheer scarf, barely noticeable, yet still influencing how the outfit looks. Other days it's a heavy cape, threatening and stifling.
It's always there.
You know who else is always there?
There's an interesting conversation between Moses and God in Exodus 3:14. God identified Himself as I AM.
Present tense.
They ask who sent you? I AM
The world is crashing down around you? I AM
Cancer has enshrouded you? I AM
Right now, right here. I AM.
In THIS moment.

May you be blessed

Setbacks: Have You Seen My Evil Sidekick?

My evil sidekick (MES for short) decided to escape today. The tumor wasn't happy hanging out in my foot, it wanted to get out and see the world. Think of it like an iceberg; (except mine is red and bloody) a peanut sized portion of the tumor is above skin, while the avocado pit sized part stayed underground.
Doctors tend to be concerned that MES has been growing and bleeding for the past three days.
Today I was rushed in to see my surgeon, and in a whirlwind found myself in a hospital gown, awaiting the ending of the tumor's field-trip. An hour later, I woke up to the news that my evil sidekick's plans for foot domination have been thwarted, with the help of five stitches. Oh, and crutches are definitely still in the picture; they're not leaving my side anytime soon.
It's a setback. For some reason, God thinks I need to be off my feet this summer.
Rays of sunshine today:
A dear friend coming to get me from the hospital. Apparently, I'm hilarious when waking up from sedation
Watching superhero movies with my sis, because really, what else are you supposed to do when you're not allowed to walk?
Being fitted for a knee crutch! I look like a pirate. Seriously, all I need is a parrot and an eye patch.
Stay tuned for an extraordinarily exciting announcement!  

When Words Fail

Lately, words have been letting me down. They used to be my friends, then Synovial Sarcoma (a rare form of cancer; literally one in a million, you know the type-private school, trust fund, and sooo out of your league) and his gang started introducing themselves. On Monday I met Radiation, then today I met Reconstructive Surgery, Excision, and Skin Graft. 
Still no word from CT scan, though. There was an MRI done last week, and today we received the results. The sarcoma is growing.
Radiation is eager to take over my life for the next five weeks; he wants to see me every day for about ten to fifteen minutes. But, we're a casual relationship, and I don't have to see him weekends.
I get to break up with him mid August, then I'm single for eight weeks.   
If all goes well, at the end of September Surgery will sweep me off my feet, and it looks like one of those whirlwind "it's complicated" things.  We'll spend six hours excising Cancer, removing tissue and muscle, then turning my foot into a patchwork of skin and nerve grafts taken from my thigh and back. Sounds like a blast, right?
Then I'll spend a week in the hospital, and meet my new, super supportive best friend, Wheelchair.
We'll be really close for three weeks or so, but eventually I'll have to explain that as much as I've appreciated our friendship, it was just for a season. I'm moving on to a new, also temporary friend: Crutches. Now, she and I have a love/hate relationship going on. At times I despise her, but then there are moments she's a gem, and we are SO close.
Guys, I know you always wonder why girls go to the bathroom in groups?   
I actually can't go to the bathroom without her. I wouldn't have a leg to stand on. But boy, she is a practical joker! She loves falling over at the most inopportune times, and thwarting my attempts at opening doors or challenging stairs.
Thankfully, I can send her on her way after another three weeks, then start learning how to walk again.
Words fail when the doctor uses them to tell you that the muscles the cancer has spread to will affect the support of your arch, and I'll have to wear extra supportive shoes to compensate. We don't know much right now, but surgery might affect my ability to dance. I am praying so hard it won't.
Dance and movement have always been a way for me to process, worship, and express my feelings.
I remember a sermon I heard last year, and the closing statement was this:  God loves addition by subtraction. When things are darkest, that's when you start looking for a miracle.
I'm trying really hard to maintain hope, and process the doctors being realistic. I know God works miracles, but I also know they sometimes don't look like what we want or expect.
I'm in a hazy place.
Thank you for your continued support and prayers.