Thoughts Collided Part 2 (Post Audition Ramblings)

Precisely three years ago today, Esther, age 17, arrived in Rosebud for her scout week.
What a week it was. Full of discovery, new experiences, and comfort levels challenged. I left Rosebud certain of one thing: I wanted to come back.
At 1:30 today I had a maybe-life-changing-but-not-really-but-actually-it-could-be audition.
Today I auditioned for the  Acting Programme.
I'm caught in the tension of knowing that the audition isn't the definitive factor of whether or not I'm accepted, but still, it feels big.
I've never done anything like this before. I think about what I prepared for my talent assessment three years ago, and what I did today, and marvel. I've come a long way, which is why I want to continue honing my acting skills. There's a high that comes from performing, that only comes from performing. I put a lot of work into my audition pieces, and yet, I know there's more.
There will always be more.
Which is why I'm here, (in Rosebud) why I'm going to be nervous and anxious and trying not dissect every beat of my audition, and swing from convincing myself that I did something wrong, I'm not getting in, to absolute certainty this is where I belong.
Because I want more.
Maybe this is confusing. Let me explain.
In Rosebud, you do a Scout Week, which ends in a talent assessment and interview. That gets you into the Certificate year. Once you finish Cert, you have to choose one of the  mentorship programmes to apply for (Acting, Theatre Arts, Technical Theatre, or Music.)
You write a statement of purpose (see my past post) have an audition, and an interview.
Everything clear?
Good.
I still have my interview left, then I wait till the first week of May.
And yes, I know it's only as big a deal as I make it, and I'm starting to ramble, but that's okay. It's been an eventful day.
The thought of committing to another 1-3 years here is intimidating. What do I think I'm doing? Acting isn't know for being stable, well paying, or other things you look for in a job.
I want more.
Something in me is being called, and today I made the choice to publicly say yes.
Yes, I want to be in the acting programme. Yes, I want to stay in Rosebud. Yes, I can handle myself in an audition. I better get used to it.
I'm not finished with Rosebud. I think Rosebud isn't finished with me.

Thoughts Collided

I cleaned my room today. I wrote my statement of purpose last Friday. I took a personality quiz.  I'm going to throw unrelated paragraphs at you, and in the end, it will all make sense.


I found a scrap of paper while cleaning my room. It's probably 13 years old. Here's what it said,
"Third Culture Kid (TCK)
Definition:
An individual who, having spent a significant part of the developmental years in a culture other than the parent's culture, develops a sense of relationship to all cultures, while not having full ownership in any.
Elements from each culture are incorporated into the life experience, but the sense of belonging is in relationship to others of similar experience."  


Here's a snippet of my statement of purpose. More on that later.

Teach me, please, I want to know how to act and move and sing, telling story with every fibre of my being. This hunger, this need for the stage has been awakened; the endless adventures it offers, and I'm longing to embark on.

Show me the tools, and how to use them. I have a voice, a brain, a body. What does it mean to be seen? This craft drives me crazy, it scares me, what if I’m wasting my time?

But the very thing that causes my insanity keeps me sane. The stage helps to satisfy my curiosity, keeping me safe.

I remember my dad telling stories, thrilling tales of the times he’s spent alone in the wilderness, embellishing the details to a wide eyed girl of eight.

It must be in my DNA.

I’ve been told, don’t do it unless you need to, have to, couldn't, wouldn't do anything else.

It’s true.

I’ve imagined life without the thrill of figuring out how to move, talk, think, and feel like my character, all the while bringing pieces of myself to the table.

Please don’t ask me to live a life of 9-5, steady paying, weekends off, predictability.

For me, that is insanity.

The personality quiz? I'm an ENFP-T. 92% extrovert. I wasn't expecting that. The past few months I've been wandering along, believing I'm an extrovert super close to the introverted end of the spectrum. Ambivert, is the term. 
I'm taking the information with a grain of salt. I know myself better than an online test, done quickly at the end a of a long day. But, I didn't have time to stress over answers, I just clicked what felt right. Which made a lot of sense when my results popped up as 72% feeling.

What do these things have in common?
ME! Of course.
But seriously, I hadn't thought about the TCK thing in a long time. And acting school is all about figuring (or trying) to figure out how humans act, and why they do what they do. Being a human, that includes figuring out the mystery that is me.
Tell me about your childhood. . .
The definition at the top of the page says it all. Sometimes I've described myself as a chameleon, I can figure out groups and how to interact with them fairly well. I don't get cultural references. I thought it was because of homeschooling, but that's only part of the equation. I know a little bit about a lot of things. 
But belonging?
I've looked for it, longed for it, and thought I'd found it. I have, to some extent. But do you know how hard it is to find Canadians who moved to Mexico when they were 2, and grew up as homeschooled TCKs?
Yeah, I gave up on that. Of course, I've had friends, wonderful, amazing, deep relationships, that I treasure. If you're reading this, you're probably one of them.
But there's this sense that I don't quite fit in.
It's true. I'm a mishmash of Mexican and Canadian. Always have been, always will be.
I like it. Spend any amount of time with me, and you'll find I'm an expressive person. I use my whole body to react to things. I talk with my hands. Some of that is growing up in Mexico, as they are a highly expressive culture.
92 percent extrovert, though.
Things are making sense. 
One places where I've felt the most at home is theatre.
Hence Rosebud. My statement of purpose/poem. 
Out of all the places that I've thought I belonged, Rosebud is home.
For now.