Uninhibited

Uninhibited, not invisible 

I'm exactly who and where I'm supposed to be. 

And I'm learning how to be free.

Bonds have been snapping. God is at work in my life. 

I spent two weeks on an island with no mirrors. I was working as a cook, and I loved every minute of it. 

I went with the intention of serving, but I didn't expect to experience such tremendous healing. 

Let me back-track:

I was cooking for Manitoba Pioneer Camp, which is located on an island (McKinnon) It was an opportunity to combine my love for God, serving, and food. I had no idea what to expect, but I found home. 

For one of the first times in my life, I discovered how fulfilling it is to be using your gifts and passions for the glory of God. I loved working in the kitchen, and when the chef found out baking is one of my passions, I was put in charge of producing cookies, brownies, cake, and squares. It was exhausting, but life-giving to watch the enjoyment on people's faces when they tried my handiwork. 

I fell in love with the island, and the community. I had rousing discussions with fellow Christians, and started some deep friendships. 

God used the island to heal me. I've become more comfortable around bugs. They're still not my favorite thing, but I don't scream anymore when I see a spider. Fish flies can now chill on my finger, with out my having a heart attack. 

Body Image. This was a biggie. One of the first things someone told me upon arriving, was that I didn't need to live up to any expectations. I embraced that. It's fairly easy to let go of body image stuff when the only mirrors are cracked, and about 3 inches wide. I was too busy serving, praying, journaling, swimming, walking, running, kayaking, canoeing, and laughing, too care about what I looked like. 

I didn't wear makeup for two weeks. It was fantastic to roll out of bed, put my hair up, and go to work in the kitchen. I was completely accepted the way I was. It may sound silly, but I really, finally, truly understood that people like me for me. Not my clothes, makeup, hair, or anything superficial. 

It's my personality. My smile. It's the spirit of God shining through me. I give awesome hugs. At camp I became closer, if not totally, the person God created me to be. 
So now, I challenge you: How much of a hold does the mirror have on you? Your challenge (and mine; back at home it's harder to avoid mirrors, since they're everywhere!) is to minimize the time and energy spent in front of a mirror, because the saying if true: "People won't remember what clothes you wore, or how your hair was styled. They'll remember how you made them feel." I need to be constantly reminded of this.
How am I affecting the people around me? Do I listen to them? Do I demonstrate that I care for them? 
My personal goal is to spend less time in front of a mirror, and more time investing in others, living out 1 Corinthians 13 (AKA the love chapter)

If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes,what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Blessings,
Star          

To My Father (Seeing my dad through different eyes)

Have you ever been in a conversation about someone in your family, then suddenly start wondering if you're talking about the same person?
Being in a family can sharpen our sense of one another's flaws. We live with these people day in and day out. We see them at their worst. We bear the brunt of their mood swings and emotions. It's easy to become blinded to (or start ignoring) the good qualities they posses. 
Sometimes all it takes are the eyes of an outsider to rediscover the people you thought you knew so well.
Every family has their issues; every child has friction with their parents. God's been working on my heart about some attitudes I've harbored towards my dad. Forgive the upcoming rabbit trail, but I'm leading up to my point in a round about way. Recently, I had a really bad day. I was hormonal and being basically every female stereotype. At the height of my drama, I asked my mom "Don't you wish you had had boys!?" 
She smiled and quietly replied "No." This surprised me. She'd rather have tears, extreme mood swings, and constant drama of dealing with the reality of simply being a girl? She explained:
"Raising boys is hard, because you have to instill within them the knowledge and responsibility that someday they'll have to provide for a family. It's hard to find the balance between encouraging them in their dreams, and the reality that some of those dreams won't support them financially. Many women I've talked to have husbands who hate their jobs, but stay because they know they have to."
"With you, it's easier to support your decision to pursue the arts, because we ultimately want to prepare you to be a homemaker, not a breadwinner." 
(Don't take this the wrong way - my parents know perfectly well that I'm going to have to provide for myself at some point or another, but hopefully not long-term. It's my dream to be a wife someday, above all else)       
My mom's comments started me thinking, and many things made sense, (now we're arriving at the main point!) I've often wondered why my dad stays at job that I know isn't making best use of his talents and abilities. 
He stays out of love. 
Love for me, my mom, and my sister. He is fulfilling his calling as head of our family, our provider. He sacrifices every day for us, (literally) that we have food on the table and clothes on our backs. When people talk to me about my dad, it's always with respect and admiration. That was my second revelation.
People want to be like my dad.
He's likable, respected, outgoing, and entertaining. He's not a afraid to tell it like it is. He pours himself diligently, wholeheartedly into whatever work he does. I've only ever known him within the context of our family. When he's at work, or with friends, there's a side I don't see, but am coming to know.  My love and respect for my dad is growing constantly, and I can say with pride "That's my dad." 
Happy Father's Day, Dad. I love you.
Star. 
I challenge you: Take a look at the people in your family. Try to see past the quirks that drive you nuts. See them with different eyes; God's eyes. 
What you see may surprise and delight you!    

Breaking Bad (Habits)

Do you ever snack while you're preparing a meal? As the cook, it's a given that you *need* to try the food you're cooking. (sarcasm!) It can be good stuff like veggies, or a spoonful of chili to make sure it's spiced it properly. My problem is that I tend to fill up so much, that when the time comes to eat the meal, I'm stuffed. Everyone else is hungry, so we sit down and eat, but I'm not. But if I don't eat anything, that raises the alarm bells with my parents because of disordered eating in my past. So, I end up eating, which leads to overeating, and feeling terrible. 
The other day God hit me with the realization that by snacking and snacking and snacking, I'm stealing from my actual meal. The true satisfaction I would have from sitting down to a meal, hungry and ready to eat, is incredible in opposition to snacking and leaving the table feeling uncomfortable. Logically, I can wait half an hour so I can sit down and enjoy food with my family.
Now that I've realized what's going on, I can stop myself from snacking so much. . . sometimes. I'm not perfect, and  there are times I ignore the little voice telling me to wait. Identifying the bad habit is half the battle. It's much harder to hide something once there's a spotlight shining on it.
I'm trying to listen to my body more, and pay attention to when I'm full. It's okay to leave my plate half finished, and come back when I'm hungry. I am a work in progress, but with God's help I know I can find balance! 
Blessings!
Star
What are some bad habits God is calling you to release to Him?

I Am Not A Model ( A love letter to my body)

Diving right into things, one of my struggles is self/body image. I've been praying for healing, and God is answering! Last week I came home from work, tired and dissatisfied with myself. As I was getting ready for bed, God stopped me in the middle of putting on my pjs. I stood in front of the mirror, in my underwear, and took a long look at myself.
Suddenly my head was flooded with thoughts that I certainly wouldn't think.
I knew it was God. I started speaking the things out loud, to myself.  
"I am not a model, nor do I want to be. I do not have a bikini body; I am 17 and my belly gently curves. It's OK. I don't want a bikini body, because I don't wear bikinis." 
"Why would I want to be the object of a stranger's lust?"
Like many women, I have moments of discontent: I wish I had more definition here, or was flatter there, or slimmer over here, but why won't my boobs grow?"
It's easy to get caught up in wishing for what you don't have. Start comparing yourself to other women, and I guarantee that you will be miserable. I've struggled with self-image and body issues for most of my teens. I was seeing myself through the lens of a world that demands perfection of women, while it sits on the couch eating chips. Double standard much? I asked God to show me what HE saw. He is my Creator, he knows best. He has a pretty good idea of what I should look like. He made me. Viewing my body though His eyes was a completely different experience. He spoke through me, about my body. 
"I love my face. It is expressive, and I do things with it that make people laugh. I love my infectious smile, and how my chin points down to make a heart shape when I smile. I love my eyes, blue or green, depending on the light, but always dancing. The windows to my soul. I love my strong eyebrows that frame my face. They are thick and mobile. I love my nose, a perfect blend of strong and gentle; a feminine nose. I love my hair: Wild and curly, a perfect extension of my personality. I love my elegant neck, curving into strong shoulders that extend into strong arms. My arms are not cut. Every muscle does not pop, but my arms are strong. They can paddle a kayak on a windy day. They can carry my sister after she's seen a snake, and is too afraid to walk. They give strong, comforting hugs. My hands serve food, and prepare meals to bless my family. They haul groceries and hold doors open. My arms are strong; they can support a friend who has reached the end of their strength, and needs to be carried."
"I like my chest, though it's small. I never have guys ogling, or back pain that my better endowed friends complain about. It's easier to dance and swim. I love my back and waist, they work together to support my body. My belly gently curves into my hips, despite the amount of planks I hold, or the number of crunches I do. I'm learning to embrace my curves, wanted and unwanted, as a sign of womanhood, a badge of honor. My hips may make it hard to find pants, but as they widen, it signals that my body is ready to bear children, even though my mind and heart are not. I love the curve of my bum; just enough padding that sitting isn't uncomfortable."
"I love my thighs. They are strong. They carry me up and down stairs, on walks with my mom, my dog, or with friends. They support me as I stand all day at work, or in the kitchen when I'm preparing a meal for my family. I love my calves and feet, My feet are astounding. Something so small (well, size 9) can support my entire body! My feet do a lot of work; managing gas pedals, carrying me to different destinations, or dancing in worship. They are beautiful, and they support me: A child of God, made in His image" (Genesis 1:26-27)   
It is my prayer that you may come to know and see yourself through God's eyes! Just because I had this experience doesn't mean that I'm never going to have a bad self-image day. What it does mean is that I can go back and read these affirmations from God when I'm feeling yucky, and pray that His voice would overpower the lies that are trying to destroy my joy. 
May you be blessed! 
Star
If you want to do some more reading about the bikini subject, I strongly recommend this article: http://madeinhisimage.org/the-bikini-question/

Get Ready, Here I Come!

What a year. High School ending. On the brink of adulthood. Telling old friends goodbye, and embracing new ones. Holding on and letting go.
I've done a lot of letting go in the past months. It's an ebb and flow between God and I. Surrendering control, then snatching it back again. A couple times in the last few weeks I've felt nudges from God that I should start a personal blog. I shared this desire with a friend, and she confirmed it, telling me about the healing that she and others have experienced from her blogging.
My blog will be a space where I'll be sharing some of my deepest struggles, in the hope that it will bring light to others in similar situations. You'll hear about God: what he's revealing to me, the verses He's laying on my heart, and my adoration of Him.
I've titled this blog The Road to Rosebud to chronicle my in-between year. I've been accepted into Rosebud School of the Arts, but have deferred my acceptance for one year. I'll be working full time, and adjusting to being an adult. I'm excited for the adventure ahead, with God as my compass.
Because it's the meaning of my name, I'll be signing my posts
Star