Skin is amazing. It is flexible, yet strong enough to hold us together. It tells us if we're hot or cold, if we're experiencing pain or pleasure.
It tells stories. A tan says that you've been out in the sun. A blush betrays embarrassment or attraction (often at the same time)
Scars tell stories as well.
We don't choose them, but they serve as reminders of what you've gone through. Scars can be a badge of honor. "You should have seen the other guy!"
Sometimes, God allows us to become scarred.
I have more details about the surgery, which sparked all these thoughts about scars.
The operation will take eight hours, (originally it was six) and it's been moved up a day; October 20!
The hospital stay is double what we thought it would be. Now the doctor is saying 10-14 days.
I found out about the muscle, nerve and skin grafts. I'll have a five inch scar on my right shoulder blade. (News to me!) My foot will look . . . interesting.
I'm adjusting to the information. It's a process; tears are involved. I'm walking towards being okay.
Now, onto the other thing that's been occupying the space between my ears lately:
Healing.
A few Sundays ago, I was prayed over, several times. It was awesome! I love being in God's presence, and I want to be perfectly clear that I fully believe in, and receive His healing.
Over the course of my cancer journey, I have been prayed over, anointed, and cancer rebuked.
Sometimes, God says no.
Sometimes, God says wait.
Sometimes, He wants our trust.
I don't know what His timeline is. I know He has the power to heal, and He might, maybe the night before the surgery! I don't know.
Right now, the lump is still in my foot. I am in pain every day, the biting-your-pillow kind. I have prayed that it would go away.
It hasn't.
I trust God, and I see His hand EVERYWHERE, all over my life!
I'm struggling physically, but in lucid moments, I wouldn't change what has happened.
My faith is not dependent on when I get healed.
Please, by all means pray for me. Pray with me! But, if my journey is the long dark road, I'm going to need hugs and visits, too.
Much love,
Esther
Friday, 17 October 2014
Thursday, 2 October 2014
Follow (Lessons Learned from Swing Dancing)
I have been wanting to take swing lessons for five years. I can finally cross it off my bucket list! It was one of those now-or-never situations. I don't know what recovery looks like, so I will dance while I can!
I've taken dance lessons in the past, and I seem to do well in lively, upbeat genres. Yes, I can tap :) (I tried hip-hop, but told I was too bouncy)
In swing, there are two positions, lead and follow.
My sister and I have done swing dancing, but since I was teaching her, I've always lead.
Until now.
Follow.
It's an accurate way to sum up the season I'm in. I love it when God takes a situation (like dancing) and gently uses it to make a point.
My instructor is great at giving feedback to make me a better dancer. One thing that keeps coming up it that I'm too tense, which leads to not executing turns correctly.
"Loosen up," he suggested. I did, and wow, it made a marked difference!
Another thing I'm struggling with is anticipating what the lead is going to do, and trying to control what's going on.
The thing that makes swing fun is the unpredictability. Once you learn the basic patterns, there's no limit to the combinations. The follow's job is to simply respond to what the lead is doing.
Last week, I has a breakthrough at the end of class.
Relaxed, I let go of trying, and effortlessly danced, turned, and trusted. How marvelous it is to follow!
I'm in a similar place with God. The future is a mystery. He has revealed small pieces of what He wants me doing, He's swung me way out of my comfort zone and told me to trust, and follow.
I don't know the details. That is okay.
I have decided to follow Jesus, no turning back.
Much love,
Esther
I've taken dance lessons in the past, and I seem to do well in lively, upbeat genres. Yes, I can tap :) (I tried hip-hop, but told I was too bouncy)
In swing, there are two positions, lead and follow.
My sister and I have done swing dancing, but since I was teaching her, I've always lead.
Until now.
Follow.
It's an accurate way to sum up the season I'm in. I love it when God takes a situation (like dancing) and gently uses it to make a point.
My instructor is great at giving feedback to make me a better dancer. One thing that keeps coming up it that I'm too tense, which leads to not executing turns correctly.
"Loosen up," he suggested. I did, and wow, it made a marked difference!
Another thing I'm struggling with is anticipating what the lead is going to do, and trying to control what's going on.
The thing that makes swing fun is the unpredictability. Once you learn the basic patterns, there's no limit to the combinations. The follow's job is to simply respond to what the lead is doing.
Last week, I has a breakthrough at the end of class.
Relaxed, I let go of trying, and effortlessly danced, turned, and trusted. How marvelous it is to follow!
I'm in a similar place with God. The future is a mystery. He has revealed small pieces of what He wants me doing, He's swung me way out of my comfort zone and told me to trust, and follow.
I don't know the details. That is okay.
I have decided to follow Jesus, no turning back.
Much love,
Esther
Saturday, 20 September 2014
Thanking God for the Fleas
I recently finished reading The Hiding Place, and it wrecked me.
For those unfamiliar with the story, The Hiding Place is Corrie Ten Boom's autobiography.
Her family ran a watch shop in Holland during world war two, which doubled as the headquarters for a smuggling operation: Jews.
A hiding place was built into Corrie's room. At one point they were hiding seven Jews, then one night the house was raided.
The Ten Booms were arrested.
Corrie and her sister Betsy were sent to a concentration camp.
Through God's orchestration, they are able to smuggle in a Bible.
There is so much to learn from their story, but here's what I want to focus on today:
The first day in the concentration camp, Betsy and Corrie were praying. Betsy thanked God for the camp, the deplorable state of the beds and toilets, the abusive guards, and the ever present fleas. Corrie had agreed with Betsy's prayer, but she couldn't bring herself to thank God for the fleas, until a few months later. Betsy was so sick and frail, that she was put in the knitting ward-where prisoners who couldn't do hard physical labor were sent to knit socks and sweaters for soldiers.
Betsy was a gifted knitter, and every day, finished her quota by noon. She spent the rest of the day reading the Bible to the other prisoners, and praying with them. Corrie discovered that the reason Betsy was allowed, is because she and the rest of the inmates had fleas. The soldiers were frightened of getting fleas, so they stayed out of the prisoner's room.
That knocked me over. I deeply admire these women for having the unshakeable faith to praise God for the worst of trials, and that God can redeem any situation for His glory.
It reminded me of Acts 16:25, when Paul and Silas were in jail, singing hymns when an earthquake struck. The guard was about to commit suicide because he thought that the prisoners escaped, but Paul assured him that was not the case. The jailer ended up getting baptized, along with his whole family!
I've challenged myself to try to emulate the attitude I found in these two stories, using James 1:2-4 as my encouragement. "Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."
So if you hear me say "Thank-you Jesus for the fleas," you'll understand.
love,
Esther
For those unfamiliar with the story, The Hiding Place is Corrie Ten Boom's autobiography.
Her family ran a watch shop in Holland during world war two, which doubled as the headquarters for a smuggling operation: Jews.
A hiding place was built into Corrie's room. At one point they were hiding seven Jews, then one night the house was raided.
The Ten Booms were arrested.
Corrie and her sister Betsy were sent to a concentration camp.
Through God's orchestration, they are able to smuggle in a Bible.
There is so much to learn from their story, but here's what I want to focus on today:
The first day in the concentration camp, Betsy and Corrie were praying. Betsy thanked God for the camp, the deplorable state of the beds and toilets, the abusive guards, and the ever present fleas. Corrie had agreed with Betsy's prayer, but she couldn't bring herself to thank God for the fleas, until a few months later. Betsy was so sick and frail, that she was put in the knitting ward-where prisoners who couldn't do hard physical labor were sent to knit socks and sweaters for soldiers.
Betsy was a gifted knitter, and every day, finished her quota by noon. She spent the rest of the day reading the Bible to the other prisoners, and praying with them. Corrie discovered that the reason Betsy was allowed, is because she and the rest of the inmates had fleas. The soldiers were frightened of getting fleas, so they stayed out of the prisoner's room.
That knocked me over. I deeply admire these women for having the unshakeable faith to praise God for the worst of trials, and that God can redeem any situation for His glory.
It reminded me of Acts 16:25, when Paul and Silas were in jail, singing hymns when an earthquake struck. The guard was about to commit suicide because he thought that the prisoners escaped, but Paul assured him that was not the case. The jailer ended up getting baptized, along with his whole family!
I've challenged myself to try to emulate the attitude I found in these two stories, using James 1:2-4 as my encouragement. "Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."
So if you hear me say "Thank-you Jesus for the fleas," you'll understand.
love,
Esther
Thursday, 11 September 2014
The Beginning of the End
I've haven't been posting lately, because life has been insanely crazy and awesome. Preparing and performing for the fundraiser, practicing for and recording the single. (!!!!)
A long-anticipated trip to North Dakota to visit a dear friend.
Radiation has ended.
I have a surgery date.
I broke.
Physically and emotionally, something in me broke last week.
Radiation ended August 25, leaving me worse off than I could have imagined. There is a radiation burn the size of a saucer around the tumor. I was in constant pain, and couldn't walk. I returned to crying multiple times a day.
I'm terrified.
The operation is much later than we expected.
Last Wednesday we received the details. On Tuesday, October 21, at 5:30 am I will check into Cancer Care. The surgery starts at 7:30am, and lasts until 1:30pm. I'm not allowed any food 24 hours after surgery, in case of complications that will need a second operation.
When they said bed rest, I didn't realize what it meant. I'm on absolute bed rest for 7 days. My left foot can't be moved or lowered at all.
There's a myriad of unknowns. The surgeon doesn't know how many nerves will be removed until he actually looks inside my foot. Full sensory abilities won't return until a year after surgery.
There will be major scarring.
I was very blessed to have almost no side effects during radiation, but now my foot is falling apart.
The tumor is dead, and angry. (I won't get into all the gory details, because believe me, they are)
God is good. He gave me an incredible Labor day weekend with two immensely Godly women. The original purpose was just a visit, then Y got engaged a few days before we went down! L and I are bridesmaids, so we took the opportunity to find dresses.
I learned more about the layers of awesomeness that make up who L and Y are. (That could take up two separate posts!)
God deepened our friendship and knit our hearts closer. He's so amazing at bringing people from three different backgrounds and ages, yet we share so many deep heart things.
He broke my heart that weekend, sharpening my mercy in a way I've never felt. He's tuning my heart to echo His.
That's just a spoonful of the thoughts swirling in the soup of my mind.
Stay tuned, cause I have more posts I'm in the process of writing!
Love,
Esther
A long-anticipated trip to North Dakota to visit a dear friend.
Radiation has ended.
I have a surgery date.
I broke.
Physically and emotionally, something in me broke last week.
Radiation ended August 25, leaving me worse off than I could have imagined. There is a radiation burn the size of a saucer around the tumor. I was in constant pain, and couldn't walk. I returned to crying multiple times a day.
I'm terrified.
The operation is much later than we expected.
Last Wednesday we received the details. On Tuesday, October 21, at 5:30 am I will check into Cancer Care. The surgery starts at 7:30am, and lasts until 1:30pm. I'm not allowed any food 24 hours after surgery, in case of complications that will need a second operation.
When they said bed rest, I didn't realize what it meant. I'm on absolute bed rest for 7 days. My left foot can't be moved or lowered at all.
There's a myriad of unknowns. The surgeon doesn't know how many nerves will be removed until he actually looks inside my foot. Full sensory abilities won't return until a year after surgery.
There will be major scarring.
I was very blessed to have almost no side effects during radiation, but now my foot is falling apart.
The tumor is dead, and angry. (I won't get into all the gory details, because believe me, they are)
God is good. He gave me an incredible Labor day weekend with two immensely Godly women. The original purpose was just a visit, then Y got engaged a few days before we went down! L and I are bridesmaids, so we took the opportunity to find dresses.
I learned more about the layers of awesomeness that make up who L and Y are. (That could take up two separate posts!)
God deepened our friendship and knit our hearts closer. He's so amazing at bringing people from three different backgrounds and ages, yet we share so many deep heart things.
He broke my heart that weekend, sharpening my mercy in a way I've never felt. He's tuning my heart to echo His.
That's just a spoonful of the thoughts swirling in the soup of my mind.
Stay tuned, cause I have more posts I'm in the process of writing!
Love,
Esther
Wednesday, 27 August 2014
In Wonder
I am in awe.
It's very hard to induce speechlessness in me, but after the fundraiser on August 20th, I couldn't even talk about it for a few days, I was so overwhelmed. (In the best way possible)
When I received the cancer diagnosis precisely two months ago, I never would have imagined the journey God was launching me on.
God is a mystery. I like it that way. I have questions that aren't answered, but I trust Him implicitly.
In moments of doubt or uncertainty, I can cling to the memories and pictures from the fundraiser.
Our family was overflowed with support and love from all circles of our life. People from work, church, theater, and our neighborhood came.
It was a privilege to be vulnerable and share my heart, my music, with our community. It was deeply encouraging to have people respond enthusiastically to my debut. All the CDs of the single sold out! The night ended in a standing ovation, which blew me away.
If only could have been God.
I woke up the morning of the fundraiser with no voice. Trying not to panic, I prayed, warmed up, and drank lots of lemon tea with honey. Considering how well the night went, I know God gave me a voice. His presence was all over how the event came together, down to the smallest details, like a full house. If any more people has come, if would have become too crowded.
God is so good at giving us what we need, even unspoken desires. I wanted to have pictures of the event, but I didn't have the time to contact anyone. Well, a family friend came, and photographed the whole night! I'm really excited to see how they turn out.
The underlying theme of the past few months has been that God is good! Sometimes it takes energy and a re configuring of our expectations, but His goodness is undeniable.
Here's the long awaited song: https://estherkoepnick.bandcamp.com/releases
Make my day by sharing and downloading it!
Love,
Esther
It's very hard to induce speechlessness in me, but after the fundraiser on August 20th, I couldn't even talk about it for a few days, I was so overwhelmed. (In the best way possible)
When I received the cancer diagnosis precisely two months ago, I never would have imagined the journey God was launching me on.
God is a mystery. I like it that way. I have questions that aren't answered, but I trust Him implicitly.
In moments of doubt or uncertainty, I can cling to the memories and pictures from the fundraiser.
Our family was overflowed with support and love from all circles of our life. People from work, church, theater, and our neighborhood came.
It was a privilege to be vulnerable and share my heart, my music, with our community. It was deeply encouraging to have people respond enthusiastically to my debut. All the CDs of the single sold out! The night ended in a standing ovation, which blew me away.
If only could have been God.
I woke up the morning of the fundraiser with no voice. Trying not to panic, I prayed, warmed up, and drank lots of lemon tea with honey. Considering how well the night went, I know God gave me a voice. His presence was all over how the event came together, down to the smallest details, like a full house. If any more people has come, if would have become too crowded.
God is so good at giving us what we need, even unspoken desires. I wanted to have pictures of the event, but I didn't have the time to contact anyone. Well, a family friend came, and photographed the whole night! I'm really excited to see how they turn out.
The underlying theme of the past few months has been that God is good! Sometimes it takes energy and a re configuring of our expectations, but His goodness is undeniable.
Here's the long awaited song: https://estherkoepnick.bandcamp.com/releases
Make my day by sharing and downloading it!
Love,
Esther
Tuesday, 29 July 2014
By the Pricking of My Thumbs. . . (something exciting this way comes!)
I have an insane life. It probably doesn't surprise you.
Bad crazy: Cancer sucks. Good crazy:
I am now a recording artist!
I am recording a single.
As in, a song that I wrote.
It will be available for download.
It has professionally done cover artwork.
I have lost the ability to write in complete paragraphs, because that is how ecstatic I am.
I have stood outside, looking up in the sky, with a silly grin on my face, and a laugh in my throat, in wonder and awe of God.
Sometimes life is crappy. Sometimes flowers grow out of it.
And sometimes, God asks for one dream, so He can give you a different one.
This new adventure started a few weeks ago, while I was sitting at a dining room table with two very dear friends. (L and S) We are planning a fundraiser, to help my family out with medical expenses.
I'm a singer songwriter, so the event is a coffee house debut of my music. Throughout the night, L kept fishing for what my favorite song is. That's a tough call, because each of my songs hold deep meaning for different reasons. I had about three in mind, when L dropped the bomb. (my mind is a bit hazy as to what she actually said, but it was along the lines of,)
"You're going to record a single."
My brain exploded. I think I screamed. I couldn't compute.
Me. My music. Professionally recorded and produced. My words and melodies, out there to be discovered!
I couldn't talk for a few minutes. My mind was spinning with the possibilities. All I could do was stammer thank yous, laugh, and try not to cry. Recording was something I saw myself doing in a few years, after I had more music experience, but God's timeline is not mine.
It took a week to decide which song to record. The groundwork has been done, the scratch track finished.
Next week I go back to do more vocals.
It's surreal. An incredible learning experience. A gift from God.
I cannot contain my excitement to share the finished product. (once it's done ;)
Here begins a journey of thanksgiving and gratitude:
L and S, for continually taking my breath away, leaving me speechless at how incredibly good God is.
Jeremy from Given Ideas Visual Productions for shooting the amazing cover art: http://www.givenideas.com/
Eles from Eles Thiessen Music Productions, for recording, mixing, and producing the track. http://www.elesthiessenmusic.com/ (Eles is also an amazing composer, you should definitely check out his music!)
The single is not ready yet, but trust me, you will know when it comes out!
May you be blessed!
Bad crazy: Cancer sucks. Good crazy:
I am now a recording artist!
I am recording a single.
As in, a song that I wrote.
It will be available for download.
It has professionally done cover artwork.
I have lost the ability to write in complete paragraphs, because that is how ecstatic I am.
I have stood outside, looking up in the sky, with a silly grin on my face, and a laugh in my throat, in wonder and awe of God.
Sometimes life is crappy. Sometimes flowers grow out of it.
And sometimes, God asks for one dream, so He can give you a different one.
This new adventure started a few weeks ago, while I was sitting at a dining room table with two very dear friends. (L and S) We are planning a fundraiser, to help my family out with medical expenses.
I'm a singer songwriter, so the event is a coffee house debut of my music. Throughout the night, L kept fishing for what my favorite song is. That's a tough call, because each of my songs hold deep meaning for different reasons. I had about three in mind, when L dropped the bomb. (my mind is a bit hazy as to what she actually said, but it was along the lines of,)
"You're going to record a single."
My brain exploded. I think I screamed. I couldn't compute.
Me. My music. Professionally recorded and produced. My words and melodies, out there to be discovered!
I couldn't talk for a few minutes. My mind was spinning with the possibilities. All I could do was stammer thank yous, laugh, and try not to cry. Recording was something I saw myself doing in a few years, after I had more music experience, but God's timeline is not mine.
It took a week to decide which song to record. The groundwork has been done, the scratch track finished.
Next week I go back to do more vocals.
It's surreal. An incredible learning experience. A gift from God.
I cannot contain my excitement to share the finished product. (once it's done ;)
Here begins a journey of thanksgiving and gratitude:
L and S, for continually taking my breath away, leaving me speechless at how incredibly good God is.
Jeremy from Given Ideas Visual Productions for shooting the amazing cover art: http://www.givenideas.com/
Eles from Eles Thiessen Music Productions, for recording, mixing, and producing the track. http://www.elesthiessenmusic.com/ (Eles is also an amazing composer, you should definitely check out his music!)
The single is not ready yet, but trust me, you will know when it comes out!
May you be blessed!
The Faults with this Star (a hopeful rant)
I have plenty of faults. I consider cancer one of the biggest ones at present.
I'm sure you've all heard of/read/seen the book-turned-movie The Fault in Our Stars. I find it morbidly hilarious that my cancer diagnosis happened the same month the movie came out.
I'm probably not going to see the movie, or read the book, so I know my opinion is incomplete, but I have done my research on the plot and content.
I'm going to step on some toes.
Here's some truth for you:
Cancer in not romantic. Cancer is not fun, cool, or conducive to finding a boyfriend.
There is nothing glamorous about being on crutches for two months and counting.
Where is the romance in being 18, and the bulk of your summer plans consisting of doctor's appointments and daily radiation treatments?
Cancer is a curtain, a thick black blanket that affects and touches every part of your life.
It enfolds your dreams, and veils your future. You go from asking "How will I pay for college?" to
"How do I pay for treatments?"
Sometimes, cancer is a sheer scarf, barely noticeable, yet still influencing how the outfit looks. Other days it's a heavy cape, threatening and stifling.
It's always there.
You know who else is always there?
There's an interesting conversation between Moses and God in Exodus 3:14. God identified Himself as I AM.
Present tense.
They ask who sent you? I AM
The world is crashing down around you? I AM
Cancer has enshrouded you? I AM
Right now, right here. I AM.
In THIS moment.
May you be blessed
I'm sure you've all heard of/read/seen the book-turned-movie The Fault in Our Stars. I find it morbidly hilarious that my cancer diagnosis happened the same month the movie came out.
I'm probably not going to see the movie, or read the book, so I know my opinion is incomplete, but I have done my research on the plot and content.
I'm going to step on some toes.
Here's some truth for you:
Cancer in not romantic. Cancer is not fun, cool, or conducive to finding a boyfriend.
There is nothing glamorous about being on crutches for two months and counting.
Where is the romance in being 18, and the bulk of your summer plans consisting of doctor's appointments and daily radiation treatments?
Cancer is a curtain, a thick black blanket that affects and touches every part of your life.
It enfolds your dreams, and veils your future. You go from asking "How will I pay for college?" to
"How do I pay for treatments?"
Sometimes, cancer is a sheer scarf, barely noticeable, yet still influencing how the outfit looks. Other days it's a heavy cape, threatening and stifling.
It's always there.
You know who else is always there?
There's an interesting conversation between Moses and God in Exodus 3:14. God identified Himself as I AM.
Present tense.
They ask who sent you? I AM
The world is crashing down around you? I AM
Cancer has enshrouded you? I AM
Right now, right here. I AM.
In THIS moment.
May you be blessed
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)